Tom Cruise's Soul Abducted by Aliens

When you look deep into Tom Cruise's eyes you realize that he has either lost his soul... or it has been replaced by a donut-monster (see below).

Tom Cruise is a firm believer in Scientology, which preaches that mankind's souls are actually from another galaxy and that Earth is a prison for souls. Only by giving your money to the Church of Scientology can you reduce your stress levels and cope with living in this prison known as Earth.

But a surprise twist happened just yesterday when a space craft was spotted by a Pizza Pizza deliveryman hovering above Tom Cruise's home (the space craft was hovering, not the pizza guy). A strange pink beam of energy sucked up Tom Cruise's soul and replaced it with a soul that looked remarkably like a Tim Hortons donut (or doughnut if you feel like spelling it properly).

Since then Tom Cruise has been walking around trying to be nice to people, opening doors for old ladies and flirting with ugly people with too big noses. He's also been giving $100 bills to homeless people, promoting hybrid cars and women's literacy programs in Afghanistan.

In other words he isn't acting like his normal asshole personality.

Apparently his acting skill has gone up too and he is now doing Shakespeare, hoping to play Hamlet in an upcoming film adaptation. Previously Tom Cruise was known for his good looks and spam quality acting in such films as Legend, Interview with a Vampire and action flicks like Mission Impossible. No skill needed there.

Which means we the world have traded up. So long old loser Tom Cruise. We've got a new and improved Tom Cruise who can actually act and is nice to people.

Drew Barrymore's Portrait Painter

True Story:

Canadian artist Charles Moffat doesn't do commissions, but that didn't stop Drew Barrymore from getting the hot artist from painting her portrait. Charles Moffat is much sought after as a portrait painter, already famous for works like "Blue Lilith" and "United States Censorship".

Moffat was in New York City last week when he was spotted by a number of shopping celebrities, including Drew Barrymore, and they followed him, trying to convince the artist to paint their portraits.

In a moment of desperation Moffat hid inside a Starbucks and went to use the men's washroom. This did not deter Drew Barrymore however who followed Moffat into the washroom, and lucky for Moffat she did.

The stall Moffat had chosen had run out of toilet paper. After much negotiation, Moffat agreed to paint Drew Barrymore's portrait if she would be so kind as to fetch him some toilet paper.

Funny story, no? The best ones are always true.