Jimmy Carter beats up Kramer

A fight about nothing...

In Las Vegas last night the fight of the century occurred when Jimmy Carter stepped in the ring with the actor who played Kramer from the popular TV show Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld was ringside cheering on his former co-star, dressed in a yellow and black striped shirt, and yet he was secretly betting against his friend. Apparently he thought old Jimmy Carter still had some fight in him.

Seinfeld offered me some candy from his handy Pez Dispenser and asked if I wanted to bet.

So I took the bet (and some candy) with Jerry Seinfeld, as I figured Jimmy Carter didn't stand a chance against Michael Richards (the guy who played Kramer). Newman, who was sitting behind us, agreed with me.

In the first round however it became pretty obvious I was going to lose my money as Jimmy Carter planted himself solidly in the centre of the ring and whenever Kramer (who danced like a fairy) got close to him Carter punched him right in the noggin.

For awhile there I held out hope that Kramer would eventually tire the old man down, but not so. Carter didn't move much and barely sweated. He just stood there deflecting Kramer's blows and landing solid punches in return.

"All aboard the pain train!" some old guy in the crowd shouted.

Jerry Seinfeld seemed more confident than ever when Kramer went down several times, despite shouting at Kramer to "Get back up! Finish him!"

Several other people and myself glared at Jerry for giving such bad advice and it was then I realized I wasn't the only person being scammed here. Kramer was taking a dive.

The fight was rigged.

I turned to Seinfeld and told him the bet was off. "You can't cancel the bet," squawked Jerry in his high pitched comical voice.

"Yes I can," I said. "You rigged this fight just like you nearly did with Little Jerry in that one episod with the cockfighting!"

Jerry tried to change the subject: "You know that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button makes or breaks the shirt."

"What is the deal with my fist? If I punch you will you admit you rigged the fight?" I countered.

Meanwhile Newman had overheard all of this and had secretly called over security and they were on the radio talking to the boxing ring manager. Rigging a fight was a serious offense.

Moments later security interrupted the fight and were asking Jerry Seinfeld to leave the building.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you," said Jerry, feigning innocence. "I didn't know it wasn't okay to rig fights. How was I supposed to know? Its not like there's a sign up there saying "Thou shalt not rig fights!" I mean, why I want to come a non-fight rigging country when I am from a fight rigging country. It doesn't make any sense. If you had told me that we weren't allowed to rig fights then maybe I wouldn't have done it."

He continued to plead until Newman snickered, at which point he turned to the obese man and clenched his fist. "Newman!" he said sharply.

It was then that I noticed Jerry Seinfeld had left behind his Pez Dispenser. It struck me as comical so I started laughing and decided it was time to leave.

Britney Spears dangles son over balcony

Britney Spears shocked and amazed the world today when she dangled her son out the window of the Paris Hilton Hotel and waved to the crowd of paparazzi.

Then her cellphone rang "Smack my baby one more time" and she dropped her son over the balcony while she rushed to open it and answer a call from Entertainment Tonight.

Her son landed safely in the cushioning busoms of Bette Midler who was just coming out of the hotel. Bette said she knew Paris sometimes had raining cats and dogs, but this is the first she heard of children falling from the Heavens.

Bette Midler promptly gave the boy a real name (instead of the crappy name Britney Spears gave him), treated him like only a real loving mother could and helped him to do his homework at night. The boy grew into a tall respectful man who didn't look at all like his parents and closely resembles Tom Welling (the star of Smallville).

Spears, fuming that she had somehow misplaced her son, went out and got pregnant again by the first drunken rockstar or rapper she could find. Unfortunately she didn't look very far and got Keith Richards. They did some lines of coke and then Keith Richards banged her over the balcony while paparazzi took commemorative photos.

We can only guess what that poor baby will look like...