Johnny Depp at Nude Beach

Johnny Depp visited a nude beach in southern Spain last week, and he was wearing...

Swim shorts.

The star of Sweeney Todd apparently thought it was prudent to wear his shorts despite the signs at the nude beach (in multiple languages) stating that No Clothes are Allowed).

Think of all the disappointed women out there.

The actor later had a private party on his yacht with a group of young bikini fashion models. Paparazzi claim his guests also included Katie Holmes, Victoria Beckham, Rachel Bilson, Hayden Panettiere and Kate Hudson.

Celebrity watchers have been trying to catch Johnny Depp in the buff for years so this sudden excursion to a nude beach seemed like the final opportunity.

But alas all the got was sand and some blurry photos.

Shown here are some much better photos of Johnny Depp in a pool and on his yacht. Perhaps he is a never-nude?

We'd like to recommend that Johnny Depp immediately start taking more movie roles that portray himself in the buff. The world needs to see what he's packing under those baggy shorts of his.

I just hope we aren't all disappointed.

Sarah Polley arrested for armed robbery and murder

Yesterday: Canadian actress/movie director Sarah Polley walked into a Bank of Montreal on Bay Street, Toronto and demanded money, threatening to start shooting people. The actress made no attempt to cover her face or disguise her voice.

Two security guards tried to negotiate with Sarah Polley, who appeared to be irate at the flop of her latest movie "Away from Her". Not to be bargained with, Sarah Polley shot both of the security guards in the balls and walked away with 4 money bags full of loonies.

Outside the bank Toronto's emergency response team sniper squad took up position. Taking one of the tellers hostage, Polley used the hostage as a body shield as she made her way north on Bay Street. Officers shot Sarah Polley in the leg several times, but she still managed to shoot three officers and her hostage in the head before being arrested and handcuffed.

Officers at the scene noted that Sarah Polley has surprisingly good aim and was packing a .357 Magnum. Officers tackled her while she was trying to reload the six-shooter.

Since then officers have confirmed that the handgun was smuggled into Canada from the United States.

Bail for Sarah Polley has been set for $1 million loonies (The loonie is a Canadian currency named after Canada's National Duck.)

Paris Hilton gives head to Donald Duck

Paris Hilton has stooped to a new low as she gave head to Donald Duck at Disneyland this past weekend.

The lovable duck fondled Paris Hilton's breast publicly and the two horny celebrities hopped on an AdventureLand boat where Paris Hilton immediately started gurgling the duck's private member.

The sound of Paris Hilton and Donald Duck could be heard all over the magic kingdom, scaring children and adults alike.

Mickey had this to say: "Donald's been under a lot of stress lately. He's been drinking a lot ever since his wife left him. I'm glad to see he's finally met someone, even if it is a slut like Paris Hilton."

Goofy also commented on the incident. "Listen, I don't want to cause a huge fuss. Hayuck. But I think Paris Hilton might be just using Donald to get a movie contract from the Disney Corporation. We realize its really a matter for the lawyers to discuss as this incident certainly got out of hand. I mean, I thought she was just going to give him a hand job, not go for the full tongue massage. Hayuck."

Anne Murray kisses Madonna and Britney Spears

Anne Murray's entertainment career has gone down hill so much that she has reverted to singing celebrity duets.

In live concert however Ms Murray, a renowned lesbian, has decided to up the act by kissing other female celebrities during her act of entertainment.

Crooning horribly the entire time, her co-stars trying to keep the audience happy by having at least one person singing in tune, Anne then completes the act by sloppily kissing each of her duet partners.

Anne Murray was inspired to start kissing all over her duet partners when she heard about the incident with Madonna and Britney Spears french kissing. "I've always wanted to kiss Madonna and Britney Spears, so I figure when I come out with Duets 2 I will get my chance to finally stick my tongue down their throats."

Her lack of finesse with kissing shows her total lack of respect and suggests her technical methods when it comes to muffdiving. You won't get much entertainment from watching it.

Fellow lesbian k.d.lang remarked "She really gives lesbians a bad name with her horrible singing. I wish she would just die already so we don't have to listen to her racket."

Christina Aguilera, not afraid to tell the truth, told reporters "Anne Murray's music makes me want to vomit, but when I see her swapping saliva with the likes of Celine Dion, Jann Arden, Sarah Brightman, Nelly Furtado, Amy Grant, the Indigo Girls, Carol King, Shelby Lynne, Martina McBride, Dusty Springfield and Shania Twain Twang I projectile vomit over everything in a ten mile radius."

Which makes us wonder, why does Anne Murray still embarrass herself like this? We all know she's a Canadian icon for making crappy music and her horrible Christmas specials, but frankly we think Canada could do better than a mundane old hag who screeches like a barn owl.

Entertainment? Bah. You'd get more entertainment from watching a dog lick its balls.

Pamela Anderon, the Bare Naked Ladies and Don Cherry

Canadian band The Bare Naked Ladies were playing music for a private party of Canadian celebrities during New Years when lo and behold they heard a clatter on the roof. The Bare Naked Ladies ceased playing their infernal monotonous music and listened to the strange clattering on the roof.

"It is too late for Santa Claus," mused David Suzuki.

"Must be a prank!" laughed Wayne Gretzky, drinking champagne like the world was going to end any minute. (Gretzky is known as an alcoholic in celebrity circles.)

There was more stomping on the roof and all the celebrities looked bewildered. Anne Murray was in the bathroom playing with herself when she heard it too.


Pamela Anderson, unusually sober, went to the door and went outside to look out on the roof. Many of the celebrities followed her, curious.

"Eeek!" screamed Pamela, pointing at the roof.

And there was Don Cherry on the roof with the entire 1972 Canadian Olympic Hockey Team (including the dead ones who he had dug up and stuffed in the gear and jerseys) trying to play a game of ice hockey on the slippery roof.

Her scream startled Don Cherry and slipped, slid off the roof and landed on Pamela Anderson.

The Bare Naked Ladies screamed and fainted.

Trying to stand up and extricate himself, Don Cherry discovered his hand was stuck between Pamela Anderson's huge bosoms.

"Would you mind unsqueezing your breasts?" Don Cherry asked.

Pamela wheezed and grunted and then shook her head. "I can't control those damn things. They're too full of silicon."

"Can I get some help here?" Don Cherry asked.

So Wayne Gretzky, Dan Dan Aykroyd and a rather dead looking John Candy grabbed hold of Don Cherry and started pulling him away from the rather bosomy Pamela Anderson.

Anne Murray, George Stroumboulopoulos and Terry Fox grabbed Pamela Andersons knockers and tried to unsqueeze them to free Don Cherry's hand. David Suzuki and Frederick Banting (best friends despite the age gap) tried pulling on Pamela's rear end to see if it would do anything.


The celebrities grunted and moaned and moaned and grunted but nothing happened.

Finally Dan Dan Aykroyd asked "Maybe you should let go of her breast first?"

"Oh, good point!" said Don Cherry and his hand slid out no problem.

Wayne Gretzky celebrated by spraying himself with champagne.